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Transcript
The Substitute
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Clarence's Transcripts
Episode Season 2
Episode 21
Written & Storyboarded by Sam Kremers-Nedell (Writer)
Spencer Rothbell, Tony Infante, Sam Kremers-Nedell and Stephen P. Neary (Story)
Stu Livingston and Mark Galez (Storyboard)
Chronology Previous: Mystery Girl
Next: Classroom

Episode begins with Ms. Baker watching a TV program about cicadas.

[Music]

Narrator: In all of the animal kingdom, the Western blue-eyed cicada has a very unique life cycle. It sits in the ground a very, very long time. "How long," you may ask? This type of cicada hatches every 17 years.

[Ms. Baker's cat, Beauford, hits a book and tries to break the jar where Ms. Baker put her cicadas]

Ms. Baker: Hey -- No. Bad kitty.

Beauford: [Meows]

Next day in school.

[Bell rings]

[Kimby and her friends are talking to Percy]

Courtlin: Do you have a girlfriend?

Percy: No!

[Girls giggling]

[Chelsea and Dustin play race cars on Jeff's head]
Screenshot 2016-05-08-16-04-22-1

Chelsea: Vroom! Ready? Race!

[Dustin and Chelsea throw their cars. Dustin wins]

Chelsea: Aw, no fair. Too much glue in his hair today.

[Julien smashs grapes while some kids watch him]

Sumo: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

[Ms. Baker gets in the classroom]

Ms. Baker: Good morning, class! Today... H-Hey. [Sees the mess in the classroom]

[Chatter]

[Thud!]

Clarence: Ms. Baker, I-I'm so glad you're here! Jeff, um, he forgot his lunch, and --

Jeff: Ms. Baker, now, it's very important I have a non-gluten, high-fiber, low-sodium --

Ms. Baker: [Groans] Jeff, it's fine, okay? The school will get you another lunch. It's totally fine.

[Ms. Baker goes to her desk, but she stops because Gilben makes her stumble]

Ms. Baker: [Screams] Gilben, no roughhousing, okay?!

Chelsea: Um, Ms. Baker, I dropped my pencil in the ceiling again.

[The ceiling is shown with a lot of pencils in it. One of the pencils fall in Ms. Baker's jar]

Ms. Baker: Eek! Chelsea! Don't throw pencils, Chelsea, okay? Here, you can borrow one of mine. [Gives Chelsea one of her pencils]

Clarence: [Gasps] [Giggles] Ms. Baker, how come you got bug pets? [Touches the jar]
Screenshot 2016-05-08-16-10-43-1

[Clank! Clank!]

Clarence: [Chortling]

Ms. Baker: Clarence, stop it! Don't do that! All right, everyone, back to their seats! - Or it's two buddy stars each.

Sumo: Aah!

[Desks rattle]

[Kids are back in their seats]

Ms. Baker: [Sighs] Good. Now, I know we've been struggling a bit through the science unit lately, so I put something together that I think will help. [Grabs the jar] Inside here are two Western blue-eyed cicadas. Everyone say hello to Mark and Stu.

All: Hello, Mark and Stu!

Ms. Baker: Now, I've been keeping them alive for the past six weeks for a very special lesson. Remember when we were talking about life cycles? This type of cicada hatches every 17 years, okay? Now, these two are still dormant, but they're going to re-emerge in about a week.

[Feedback]

Ms. Baker: Ah!

Mr. Reese: Attention, Ms. Baker. Uh, Ms. Baker, you're needed in the teachers' lounge - for a very urgent errand.

Ms. Baker: Is this about the coffee machine? You can make your own coffee, Jim. I left you instructions on the fridge!

Mr. Reese: I repeat, Ms. Baker to the teachers' lounge. Ms. Baker.

[Bell rings]

Ms. Baker: [Sighs] All right, well, that's the bell for Gym. When I come back, we're going to talk about prey, and, uh, predators, and, uh, life cycles, okay?

[Before Ms. Baker leaves, the class is a mess again]

[Kids chattering]

In the teachers room, Ms. Baker teaches Mr. Reese how he can make coffee.

Ms. Baker: So, then you put this thing here [Puts a jar under the coffee machine] and press this thing [Presses a button]. And there you go.

Mr. Reese: Huh? Wait, what? How'd you do that?

Ms. Baker: I am not showing you again, Jim.

[Ms. Baker sits down in a chair, in front of Ms. Shoop]

Ms. Shoop: Oh, boy. I know that look, Melanie. What's going on?
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Ms. Baker: [Sighs] I don't know. I just feel overwhelmed. I'm completely behind on my lesson plan.

Ms. Shoop: What are you talking about?! Just punch in and clock out!

Ms. Baker: [Groans] I just feel like I'm not getting to them, you know?

Ms. Shoop: You're gonna burn out if you keep doing this. Mel, I think you should take a day off.

[Mr. Reese accidentally takes off something from the coffee machine]

Mr. Reese: Uh, whoops.

Ms. Baker: What? No! No. I have to get back to class.

[Coffee stops coming from the coffee machine]

Mr. Reese: Oh. Oh, no, no.

Ms. Shoop: Melanie! I've been teaching for 49 years. Now, I got these two coupons for the Aberdale spa! [Grabs two coupons that were hidden under her dress] It's about time I put them to good use.

Ms. Baker: No, I can't. My students need me.

[Ms. Shoop takes Ms. Baker out of the teachers room]

Ms. Shoop: Call it in, Reese!

Ms. Baker: Wait - Stop.

Mr. Reese: No, but wait. Melanie. Melanie!

Ms. Baker: I-I can't --

Mr. Reese: The coffee.

Ms. Shoop: Jim, take charge for once in your life! Make the call!

[Door slams]

Mr. Reese: Ohh. Melanie.

[Mr. Reese gets in Ms. Baker's classroom]

Mr. Reese: All right, everyone, listen up. Ms. Baker had to leave early today, so I called a sub.

Kimby: A sub? I hope Ms. Baker's okay.

Clarence: [Giggles] Mr. Reese, why would you call a sandwich? What?

Mr. Reese: No, uh, I said sub, like a substitute teacher.

[Rattling]

[All gasp]

Percy: Ah! A bogeyman!

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Ms. Julep opens the door and gets in the classroom]
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Mr. Reese: Ah, perfect. Right on time. Everyone, this is your new sub, Mrs. Joanna... no. [Muttering] Julian?

Ms. Julep: Oh [chuckles] I'm sorry, no, it's - it's actually Ms. Julep.

Mr. Reese: Jasmine, of course. So sorry, Ms. Jasmine. Now, everyone, say hello to Ms. Jasmine.

All: Hi, Ms. Jasmine.

Clarence: Hey, you're not a sandwich.

[Laughter]

Mr. Reese: Clarence, that's enough. I want you to show Ms. Jasmine, here... hmm?

[Ms. Julep appears to be behind Mr. Reese]

Ms. Julep: Oh, sorry, back here.

Mr. Reese: Oh, uh, all right I want everyone here to show Ms. Jasmine the same amount of respect that you would show me. [Slurps] Yeah, maybe -- maybe a little bit more. Oh, all right, then. Just a regular day. Please enjoy your stay. And if you need anything, anything at all, I'll be right down the hallway. 'Kay? Okay.

[Mr. Reese leaves the classroom]

Ms. Julep: All right. You can do this. [Sighs] Hello, class! My name is Ms. Julep. Um, I'll be your substitute teacher today. So, let's get started with today's -- [Opens her lesson plan book, but her plans fall off the book] Oh! Oh, sorry, wow. Okay. Let me just pick these up. I'm sorry.

Chelsea: She seems so nervous. What's there to be nervous about? We're just kids.

Ms. Julep: Oh, okay. Okay. Whoa, oh, okay. Everything's out of order.

Belson: Hey, Ms. Julep? Ms. Baker said we were going to watch a movie today.

Ms. Julep: She -- she did? Doesn't say it here in the notes. [Chuckles]

Belson: Well, if Ms. Baker was here, she'd let us watch a movie, right, guys?

Camden: Oh, yeah. [Laughs] She would.

Percy: I miss Ms. Baker!

Ms. Julep: Uh, me too. Okay, um Let's watch a movie. I'll just set it up.

Clarence: [Chuckling] Huh?

[Cicadas start moving]

[Squishing]

Clarence: [Gasps] [Whispering] Hey, Sumo.

Sumo: [Sniffing] Oh, what?

Clarence: Look at the bugs!

Sumo: Huh? [Looks at the cicadas] Oh, gross.

Ms. Julep: [Brings the TV to class] Okay, everyone. I'm sorry, let's settle down. It's movie time. [Turns on the TV, but some static is shown on the screen] Oh! Okay. Um, Channel 3. Is that the Universal channel -- 3? Okay. Um, what if I were to scroll up? Oh, there's no scroll.

Chelsea: Um, aren't you supposed to take roll?

Ms. Julep: Oh, attendance! Yes, of course. I'm sorry. Uh, let's see. What was your name? Your name?
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Chelsea: It's Chel -- I mean, Kimby.

[Kids snickering]

Ms. Julep: [Writes on her lesson plan book] Kimby. Yes, I'm so sorry, Kimby.

Chelsea: That's okay, 'cause I'm Kimby!

[Laughter]

Ms. Julep: Yes. Funny name here. [Chuckles] All names are funny, when you think about it.

[Clarence and Sumo look at the cicadas]

Clarence: Do you think that Ms. Baker grew these bugs at her house?

[Eerie music]

In Sumo's mind.

[Shrieks]

[Ms. Baker makes the cicadas grow in the dirt]

Ms. Baker: Yes, they're growing! Grow, my little ones! Grrroooow!

[Thunder]

[Ms. Baker is now a cicada too]

[Laughing evilly]

[Cackling]

Sumo: Aw, yeah, definitely.

Clarence: Ms. Baker is Mark and Stu's mommy, but she's going to miss them even being born. I'm gonna go find Ms. Baker. I'll be back, little guys. [Leaves the classroom]

Ms. Julep: Uh, Mavis? Is Mavis here? Mavis?

Belson: It's pronounced Mah-vis.

Ms. Julep: Okay. Nathan!

Percy: Here.

Ms. Julep: Vu.

Mavis: [Guttural sound]

Ms. Julep: G-Gilben?

Camden: Gilben's present.

[Snickering]

Jeff: [Takes Ms. Julep's book] Ms. Baker usually leaves me in charge when she's gone. I'll take it from here. [Jeff throws the book and sits in Ms. Baker's chair] Just call me [Music] Mr. Randell.

Chelsea: Oh. He's not the teacher.

[Murmuring]

Scene cuts to the Teachers Room.

[Mr. Reese tries to make coffee just like Ms. Baker taught him]

Mr. Reese: Push the button. [Punchs the coffee machine] [Grunts] Ow! Come on.

[Clarence walks on the hall and stops when he sees Mr. Reese punching the coffee machine]

[Clarence gets in the Teachers Room]

Mr. Reese: [Roars] [Grunting] [Crying] Oh. Melanie

Clarence: Um, Mr. Reese? Do you know where Ms. Baker is? - She's -- she's missing her bugs.

Mr. Reese: Bugs? Is she sick, boy? Now, don't you lie to me. Ohh. Of course. We were fools to think we could replace the lovely Melanie with the beautiful Jasmine. [Grunts] [Throws the coffee machine and breaks the window] Let's ride! [Puts on glasses]

[Scene cuts to Aberdale Spa]

[Tranquil music plays]

Ms. Shoop: Ohhh, yeah. That's -- right there. That's where you gotta do.

Ms. Baker: I don't know. I don't know. The teaching books I've read say this generation is different. You know, that they're harder to reach. And then some days, I feel like we're speaking the same language and everything's going great. Others, no one does the homework or even remotely cares. I... [Sighs] Yeah, maybe I do need to relax. [Sighs deeply] Hmm.

[Clarence appears under Ms. Baker]

Clarence: Psst! Ms. Baker.

Ms. Baker: Aah!

Clarence: Aah!

Ms. Baker: Clarence! What -- what are you doing here?!
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Clarence: Well, the substitute -- she's really nice, but Belson made her take out the TV, and then Jeff said that he was going to be the new teacher.

Mr. Reese: That's right.

Ms. Baker: What is going on here?

Clarence: Also, your bugs are starting to hatch.

Ms. Baker: What?! The cicadas aren't supposed to hatch for two more weeks! I can't miss this. Brenda?

Ms. Shoop: Right there, you'll feel that crunch is there. [Crunching] Right in there.

Ms. Baker: Jim, take me back to school!

Mr. Reese: You got it, Melanie! Let's make coffee!

[Crunching continues, Brenda groaning]

Scene cuts to school. Ms. Baker's classroom is a mess.

[Chatter and laughing]

Ms. Baker:Ah!

Clarence: Uh...

[Belson, Darlie and Crendle play games on the TV]

Belson: You're terrible.

[Nathan puts food on Percy]

Percy: It feels so right.

Jeff: The real thing about the Louisiana Purchase was it was wrong. It was cheating everybody out of --

[Chatter and laughing]

Ms. Baker: That's it! Brady, put your shirt back on! Darlie, put that fire out! Guyler, get off your desk! Mavis, spit out your gum! I want all eyes on me or it's six buddy stars each.

[Percy gets up]

Ms. Baker: I am not joking, you guys!

Jeff: Aah! [Gets back to his seat]

[Cicadas are almost getting out of their shells]

Ms. Baker: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Hold on, you two, hold on. Okay, class, line up at the door. We're going to learn something about cicadas today if it's the last thing I do. Ants, in line! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

[Kids chattering]

[Kids are standing in line. Ms. Baker is counting all the kids]

Ms. Baker: 12, 13, 14 [Notices Ms. Julep] You are wait, who are you?

Ms. Julep: Uh, oh. [Chuckles] Um, sorry, I-I was just wondering, um --

Ms. Baker: Yes? Wondering what?

Ms. Julep: I was wondering if you could teach me how you did that. Because I know the material. I just can't --

Ms. Baker: Wait, are you the sub?

Ms. Julep: I'm really sorry.

Ms. Baker: Okay, let's just go. Class, behind me! Here we go!

[Kids leave the classroom]

Mr. Reese: Yep.

Scene cuts to the school playground. Kids are sit in the grass waiting for the cicadas to get out.

Ms. Baker: Now, remember, everyone, these cicadas only hatch every 17 years. That's older than all of you, right? And it's a very special life cycle. Julien, why don't you open the terrarium for us?

[Julien opens the jar]

[Squishing]

[All gasping]

[Buzzing]

[Cicadas finally get out of the jar]

[Kids cheering]

[Music]

[Bird shrieks]

[A bird takes one of the cicadas]

[Kids gasp, murmur]
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Kimby: It's eating Mark! It's eating Mark!

Chelsea: [Laughs] That's awesome.

Sumo: [Laughs]

Ms. Baker: Okay, guys, class, uh, this is the Arizona Scrub-Jay, huh? One of the cicada's many predators. We're pretty lucky. If you think about it, it's a very good example of the food chain and our next lesson on predators and prey.

[Shrieks]

[The bird leaves]

Ms. Julep: I think you are a wonderful teacher!

Clarence: Oh, oh, Ms. Baker, Ms. Baker. What else does a Scrub-Jay like to eat?

Ms. Baker: Well, that's that's a very good question, Clarence. Uh, you see, the Arizona Scrub-Jay comes from a long line of predatorial birds. And, uh, so.

[Buzzing]

The End