Pilot Expansion Gallery Transcript

[The episode begins 78 and a half years in the future, Clarence, Jeff and Sumo discuss how they met]

Sumo: It was at Rough Raiders Chicken. That's where it happened.

Jeff: First of all, it's Rough Riders, and, no, that's - not where it happened.

Sumo: Nuh-uh! It's Raiders because you raid the box for chicken!

Jeff: That doesn't make any sense.

Sumo: Ah, what do you know, you old bat?

Clarence: Fellas, there's no need to argue. I remember exactly where we met. I remember it like it was just 78 1/2 years ago.

[Two men take a fish tank]

Sumo: Ah, where are they going with my fish?! Clarence: Anyway, 78 1/2 years ago

[a camera movement is shown and the pilot repeats]

[school bell rings]

Mrs. Bernstein: Well class, I'm sure you've noticed we have a new student with us today! Clarence, would you like to get up and say something about yourself?

Clarence: Actually, could I do something else a little bit?

Mrs. Bernstein: Um, yes, Clarence.

Clarence: [hands out invitations to class] This one's for you, and this one's for you, and this one's for you, and this one's for you. [goes to front of class] So, if you wanna know more about me, or be my friend or something, then just come over to my house tonight for a sleepover at my house. We're gonna eat a lot of pizza poppers, we can watch "The Golden Girls" on my big TV, and then at midnight, we get to bust open The mystery piñata. So you're probably not gonna wanna miss it.

Mrs. Bernstein: Oh, wow! Clarence, custom invitations! That is very considerate.

Clarence: You get one too Mrs. Bernstein!

Mrs. Bernstein: [looks at invitation and blushes] O-kay, Thank you, Clarence, this is very thoughtful of you.

Clarence: [interrupts teacher] You're welcome. So if you wanna come over, just go to my house right after school, or you can come at dinner time, or you can just walk home with me. It's up to you.

Belson: Hey, Clarence, do you play hacky sack?

Clarence: Yeah, probably

Belson: [crumbles paper into ball and kicks it at Clarence] BOOOO!


Clarence: [laughs awkardly]

[Clarence pops a ballon]

Mary: What do you mean no one's coming over? I thought you were having a sleepover. Did you hand out all of your invitations?

Clarence: Yeah, but they didn't like them.

Mary: Ooh, HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! AHH! [sighs] Well, who's gonna eat all these pizza poppers?

Clarence: [pause for a few seconds] Me.

Mary: Well I'm going to a Tubberware party at Denise's house tonight, and I'm not gonna be back till late... If anyone does come over, make sure you clean up after yourselves, all right?

Clarence: Okay.

Mary: [walks over to Clarence] Hey, if no one shows up, i'll help you eat all these when I get back. How's that sound? And, hey, we'll get to bust open your mystery piñata, huh?

Clarence: [gasps] Mystery...

Mary: YOW!

Clarence: [chuckles]

Mary: Chad's in my room if you need anything. Bye, sweetie, love you! [closes door on way out]

Clarence: Bye. [telephone rings] Hello?

Jeff: Hi, Clarence. This is Jeff from Lincoln Elementary School. I'm calling to RSVP for your sleepover extravaganza.

Clarence: [interrupts Jeff] Absolutely! Come on over whenever you want, buddy! I got a lot of pizza poppers!

Jeff: All right. Sounds good. I'll be there around five o'clock.

Clarence: Okay, bye, love you! [puts phone back]

Jeff: [knocks on door]

[running footsteps and Clarence sticks his head out of a dog door]

Clarence: COME ON IN, JEFF!

Jeff: [suprised scream]

Clarence: What, you never seen a secret entrance before? Hold on, I gotta unlock the door. [trilling]

[door unlocks]

[running footsteps]

Clarence: Welcome to party paradise! Let me show you around. We could play in my tree fort... or crawl around in my secret tunnel... or break all this wood with a hammer... or play Whack-A-Gopher... or wait till this guy lays an egg... or get blown around by this thing... or break all this wood with a hammer... or eat all these pizza poppers really fast! What do you want to do first?

Jeff: Uh, n-none of it?

Clarence: Oh... then what do you want to do?

Game Show Host: This great lake is known for having the most water.

Jeff: What is Lake Superior?

Clarence: Oh, what is uhh, um.. River... Superior?

Game Show Host: Brian?

Brian: What is Lake Superior?


Game Show Host: Correct!

Jeff: Yes, one more for me.

Clarence: Where do you even learn these things?

[doorbell ring]

Clarence: [gasp] I'll get it! [opens door] Hello. Are you here for the sleepover?

Sumo: Cut my hair?

Clarence: [chuckles] All right.

[clippers whirring]

[Sumo and Clarence chuckle]

[Clarence tree fort basket snaps]

Sumo and Clarence: Who-o-a! [basket breaks] UGH... [pause, then both continue laughing]

Game Show Host: Correct!

Jeff: [from far distance] Yes!

Sumo: Uhh, how come that kid doesn't want to play with us?

Clarence: Oh Jeff doesn't like to have fun.

Sumo: Well let's show him how!

[both nod their heads]

[punk rock music plays while Clarence dresses up as a punk and Sumo puts black marker under his eyes.]

Sumo and Clarence: [grunting and walking to Jeff while punk music plays]

Jeff: [turns TV off and claps hands]

Sumo and Clarence: Come on, get up, come on, dance with us, get up, come on

Jeff: No, no

Sumo: Oh, come on.

Jeff: Don't touch my hands, your hands are filthy, they're full of dirt.

[Jeff opens a bottle of spray, shakes it, and sprays it on hand.]

[music stops]

Chad: Hey, who killed the jams? I love that song. [imitating music]

[Chad runs to the fridge and gets a gallon of milk and goes sit on the couch and drinks it]

Chad: Don't stop rockin' on my account.

[Chad turns TV on]

Game Show Host: This Italian treat is made by frying the skin of a pig by it's own fat.

Jeff: What is ciccioli?

Game Show Host: Brian?

Brian: What is ciccioli?

Game Show Host: [ding] Correct!

[Chad spits milk]

[cut to Clarence's room]

Clarence: I guess rock 'n' roll isn't for everyone.

Sumo: Let's try a... different uh...

Clarence: Different approach...

[Sumo throws book with a string near Jeff]

Jeff: [gasp] Master level sudoku puzzel book?! [squeals]

[Jeff tries to catch the puzzle book and goes into Clarence room, when he goes in his room Clarence closses the door and frightens Jeff]

Clarence: Hey buddy, we're making prank calls. You want to join us? Okay, this one's for you. Ready? Go.

[Jeff reads what Sumo is holding up]

Jeff: Oh, um... is your refrigerator running?

[Sumo and Clarence both chuckle]

Phone: Police department. What's your emergency?

Jeff: You called the cops?!

Sumo: Uh-oh.

Jeff: [embarrassed] Hi, sorry, this is kinda embarrassing, but me and my friends were just doing some, uhh, pranks.

Clarence and Sumo: Don't say that, don't say that, don't say that, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't!

[Clarence and Sumo push Jeff and Clarence speaks to the cops on the phone.]

Clarence: Ugh, no, no, everything's fine. There was a burglar, but, um... we broke his legs.

Phone: I'll send an ambulance.

Clarence: Oh, no. You don't need to send an ambulance because... because uhh...

[Sumo pushes Clarence away, take the phone, and continues his sentence]

Sumo: Because he caught on fire, ran away, he's gone. Don't send anybody [hangs up]


Clarence: Do you think that worked?

[clock chimming]

Clarence: [gasps]

[camera zooms into Clarence face]

Clarence: Mystery piñata time!

[a camera movement is show and we see Jeff in Clarence's room]

Jeff: Piñata? Oh, not for me. Thank you.

Clarence: What?! Why not?

Sumo: What are you talking about?! Piñatas are awesome!

Jeff: I suppose it's because I've never tried it.

Clarence: Well, Jeff, my friend, today's the day you become a man. A piñata man. [laughs]

[Hit the Piñata song is played]

-Yeah, yeah, you gotta hit the piñata

-Under the blindfold, eyes won't peep

-Do it right, tie it tight, don't cheat

-Now spin around, head pinned to the ground by the bat, that's the action, making a sound like

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, get dizzy

-Stand back, lift bat, get busy

-With a little flick of the wrist, give it a swish

-Don't miss try to hit it into little bits and pieces

-To release the sweetest candy or otherwise, some other surprise it can be

-Anything the piñata master fancies

-A risky mystery, but take the chance, please

-Hit the piñata! hit the piñata! sa-sawing batta

-Hit the piñata

-Yeah, yeah, you gotta hit the piñata

-Hit the thing harder! hit the piñata!

-Made out of paper break the shape of a donkey

-You won't be seeing it later

-'Cause once you attack it make the bat smack it

-Maybe you'll smash it into smithereens so streams of sweet treats careen to the carpet the tricky task is to swing a stick in the darkness

-But try your hardest and tense your back

-Until you strike the target and make it crack

-Hit the piñata! hit the piñata! sa-sawing batta

-Hit the piñata

-Yeah, yeah, you gotta hit the piñata

-Hit the thing harder! hit the piñata!

[rope creaks]

[another camera movement is shown]

[Clarence hangs a piñata on top of Jeff. Sumo chuckles while Jeff spins.]

Clarence: [chuckles] You guys are gonna crack up when you see what's inside this thing. Alright, Jeff. You're dizzy enough.

Jeff: [stops spinning and starts quivering]

[The piñata moves down slowly, while Jeff walks around trying to find it. Clarence and Sumo laugh. When Jeff finds the piñata he chuckles and gives it a good hit and then Sumo starts hearing something inside it.]

Sumo: [thinking] Wait a minute. What's that sound? Could it be...?

[Sumo's flashback starts]

Clarence: Do you want some honey in your tea, Sumo? You're gonna bee very suprised when you see what's inside my mystery piñata. Hold on, I got to change out of my bee suit.

[Sumo's flashback ends]

[Clarence lets go of the rope]

Sumo: [runs to Jeff] Nooo!

[Jeff whacks the piñata]

Clarence: And the mystery is...

[Jeff removes his blindfold and bees come out of the piñata.]

Clarence: [yelling] Bees!

[Jeff and Sumo scream]

Belson: Aw, man! That does look like fun.

[siren wails and tires screech]

[firefighter and police officer slams into door and frightens Chad]

Police Officer: Nobody move! We got a call about a robbery, fiery homicide.

Chad: [confused] Uh, I don't know.

[Clarence, Jeff, and Sumo run's down the stairs and outside]

[bees buzz on Chad and on the Police Officer and Firefighter.]

Police Officer: Hey, don't come on- stay over, over!

[Firefighter sprays water on the bees]

[cut to the living room]

[Clarence, Jeff, and Sumo are not wearing their shirts and are barefeet. They are eating ice cream on the couch.]

Clarence: I'm sorry I got you guys stung. I just really wanted you guys to have fun.

Jeff: I had fun.

Sumo: [mixing ice cream] Oh yeah, this is the best sleepover ever.

Clarence: Oh, cool. [lays on couch and drops ice cream] Ow!

[end of pilot]

Clarence: And that's how we became best friends [mechanized whirring] and decided to spend the rest of our lives together.

Sumo: I don't remember any of that.

Jeff: Yeah, me neither.

Clarence: It was a long time ago, duh. [Mechanized whirring] Your memory banks are probably just fuzzy.

Larry: Uh, fuzzy. Mm.

Clarence: I'm gonna go for a jog. [Mechanized whirring] ["The Jetsons" music playing] [Spaceship whirs] [Plop!] ["The Jetsons" music continues] [plop! plop!]

[Clarence walks on the treadmill but gets stuck]

Clarence: Jeff, get me off this crazy thing!

[end of episode]